Daughter

Oh, I worry
I'm afraid

When will you realize
I'm not really
the best
I'm just a person

Will it be hard
to take me down
from the pedestal
of mother to young child

When will it happen
Will I expect it
When you discover
you know more than me

When will you think
you'd be better off
without me
Always in your way

How much longer do I have
before you understand
I'm not perfect
Not nearly what you think I am

I'm afraid
of what I deserve
My own poor mother,
myself at 15

Will I be her
And you, me
A mistake relived,
meant to be

I see every terrible
part of me
in you
You are so like me

Can I change it,
make things right
Somehow reverse
what's meant to be

I love you
Truly
Can you feel it
Do you know

My only hope lies
in my love for you
In my desire
for your happiness

Can't you feel
how I'm trying,
how I truly want
your best

My life is nothing
without your love
Without your love
my life is empty

Tortured

I listen to you
as I have for years
at night when you sleep,
the sounds you make

I grieve for your pain
unable to understand
confused
and alone

The frustration
of misunderstanding,
of why happiness can't find you
Reminds me of her

It feels so wrong
for perfect happiness
to keep company
with such inexplicable misery

I wonder why
my own sadness
pales in comparison
to yours

I suppose it's because
I know I will survive
that I'll be fine
as I've always been

But you --
you're not well
and I can't know
the depths of your soul

Are you there?
Will this pass?
Love should be enough
But is it, this time?

Spiral

I found this in my purse today. I wrote it several months ago, but it is a pretty good description of how I'm feeling today: hopeless and helpless.

-----

Spiral

As if I'm the first
to compare life
to a downward spiral
How clever

But when it's your life
those words are best
to describe
the pain, sometimes

Besides, like I have
the energy
or desire
to come up with something original

It's funny how life
can be so hard
some days
Others, it's fine, even good

Not funny "ha-ha"
but funny "ouch"
Smiling is too hard
don't even want to try

I know I'm not the first
my problems aren't worse
than any others
Not even close, really

But it still hurts
and life is still hard
and I'm not pretending anymore
At least not today

-----

P.S. Have no fear: I'm sure tomorrow will be better (and normal!).

Company

Every single day since I got my new camera, Rhiannon has asked me, "Have you learned how to use the video thing yet?" Today, I finally decided to try, and it's as easy as can be. Behold: