Expecting

I remember being pregnant with Rhiannon and Bella, how the first five or six months were the relatively relaxed, calm days. But for those last few months, I was just desperate to go ahead and get it over with. Rhiannon was due December 27, I think, and she wasn't born until January 5. Those 10 or so days were like 10 eternities to me. I just could not wait any longer.

Even with Bella, when I should have at least been expecting the never-ending wait, I can remember being desperately impatient for the big birth day. I was so incredibly disappointed every time I went to a doctor's appointment, and every single time, they told me, "Not yet."

So what I'm trying to say is: I have trouble waiting for my babies to arrive.

I realized today that we officially decided to try to adopt a baby last January. That's an entire year of WAITING. Well, the first several months were pretty busy: In February and March, we started gathering all the information (fingerprints, FBI clearances, infant care classes, physicals, etc., etc.) for our home study. All that took until June, when our home study was finally, finally approved, and we knew we at least had a chance of getting our baby.

And then we waited some more. And then some more.

Finally, we decided we'd be waiting forever unless we went for a bigger (i.e., more expensive!) adoption agency. So in November, we applied with American Adoptions. But that was only the beginning of yet another ordeal, because guess what! We had to gather about five gazillion more documents and jump through about nineteen bazillion more hoops! Yay!

But at long last, I think we're through gathering and jumping for a while. Now for another wait. Only God knows how long this time. Officially, the "average wait time" is 1 to 9 months, but that's waiting to be *matched* with a birthmother/baby. What I'm saying is this: It's possible that we wind up waiting 9 months or more to be matched, and then we still have to wait for the baby to be born. On the other (positive) hand, maybe we'll be matched really quickly. Maybe it'll only be a few more months' wait.

I keep telling God that I trust His timing. That I don't want anything that He hasn't planned (as if that were possible!). But sometimes I feel like I'm lying to myself and Him. Patience is a virtue, and apparently, I'm not that virtuous.

But. But I'm not giving up. Because what I do have is a lot of determination. Okay, stubbornness. Whatever.

What I know is this: Some woman out there is dealing with a major life decision -- if not today, then soon. She will make a decision that I imagine will feel like, well, giving away part of her very self. I hope she will do it because it's what's best for her and her baby. I hope she will be able to find peace in the giving of life. I hope she never has any regret in choosing us to love her baby. Our baby.