Comma Momma

I can't NOT share this.

2011-01-14T08:52:00.005-06:00

ETA: Okay, so the Hair Thursday chick deleted the exchange between Dear Harold and me. So: nevermind! As you were!

http://www.hairthursday.com/archives/6225/comment-page-1#comment-14706

Be sure to read the comments!

Oh, Harold, you DON'T EVEN KNOW about my issues.

Resolve

2011-01-12T21:01:00.000-06:00

It's mid-January, but I'm just now setting my resolutions in stone. (Well, okay, not stone. Whatever.) I already gave up my big vice (drinking) back in October, so 2011 shouldn't be too hard on me.

Blog more than once a year.
Keep the kitchen counters relatively clutter-free.
Come up with a fund-raiser to help with gymnastics expenses.
Let Bella sit in my lap whenever she wants and not be irritated about it.
Stop despising people who have more money than they need.
Support Brandon while he goes to school.
Be more productive at work.
Go to bed earlier, for goodness' sake.
Play lots of board and card games.
Don't gain weight.
Go to church and Sunday school regularly instead of occasionally.

A Decade

2010-01-05T21:47:00.011-06:00

I thank my God upon every remembrance of you.

Pets: They Redeem Themselves...Sort Of, Part I

2009-12-30T18:56:00.004-06:00

She's not supposed to get on the furniture...

Also? She snores. Doesn't get any cuter.

Friends

2009-10-03T11:45:00.002-05:00

After about three weeks, Lucky and our new puppy, Layla, finally like each other. Wain and Layla are another story. Here are the two dogs doing what they do about half the time now.

Right after I stopped recording, Lucky, who, incidentally, has been neutered, started trying to hump Layla, who, you guessed it, has been spayed. I yelled at Lucky to stop, and then he peed on the rug. That dog hasn't used the bathroom in the house in three years, and now he does it. Oy vey. Interestingly, Layla tries to hump Lucky sometimes, too.

Forsaken

2009-08-03T19:55:00.003-05:00

In a balcony pew
a man of God
stole all the hope
that remained
in the heart of
a girl who was
not yet ready
to change,
in a heart that
was cold and
sad and hard
The words went
deep and forever,
never truly gone
I wonder if those
words saved any
souls that day
And if they did,
was it worth
a lifetime of
uncertainty,
the wanting through
silence, the desperate
wondering,
wandering
Turned away,
shut out,
forsaken
Believing but
not living,
drifting without hope,
joyless giving

Thoughts on life and death

2009-06-26T08:42:00.002-05:00

Sometimes
a person's life
is so very
painful
and desperate
and confused
and crazy and
and and and
that you can't help
but feel relief
when it's
finally
over

***

Interestingly, perhaps, Michael Jackson's death has me thinking about Lauren's life and death. About how, even though I miss her and wish things could have happened differently, I am relieved that the sadness and self-doubt and everything else ended for her.

Because sometimes? For some people? Life is just too hard.

***

So after I got over the shock of Michael Jackson's dying, my first thought was of being a kid at my grandparents' house, dancing on the bed in front of the dresser mirrors to "Man in the Mirror."

I mean, I've never been a huge MJ fan, by any means. But a lot of his music was really great. Fun.

And instead of seeing a creepy freaky man, I saw someone who hated himself so much, deep down, that he literally had his face mutilated, his beautiful brown skin bleached. I can't even begin to understand such deep self-loathing.

***

POD, signing off.

Growin' Up

2009-05-14T09:13:00.002-05:00

"I got *so* mad at Jill today that I wanted to stick my middle finger up at her."

Notes to Self, or Lessons Learned This Morning

2009-05-14T09:10:00.001-05:00

1) Keep a spare key outside of the house, already.

2) Stop taking Bella to school while still wearing your pajamas.

3) Be more neighborly. Then, perhaps you won't have to introduce yourself to your neighbors at 7 a.m. in your mismatched pajamas.

Girl Scouts, or File This One Under "You Gotta Laugh to Keep from Crying"

2009-04-15T07:47:00.002-05:00

Me: Hey, girls.

Her: [cheerful] Your hair is frizzier than usual.

Me: Thanks, Suzy*.

*Name has been changed to protect the irritating, who never knew she'd said something wrong.

Drumroll, please...

2009-03-31T04:10:00.004-05:00

Long time, no blog

2009-03-25T16:43:00.008-05:00

It's not that I have nothing to write. It's just that I've been lacking the motivation to upload photos and stuff.

Also, I've spent a lot of time reading lately. I'm on a mission to read all the classic novels I should have read at some point in my life but didn't. So far, I've read Anna Karenina (yikes), Wuthering Heights (okay), and Gone with the Wind (pretty good if you can get over all the racist crap). Now I'm reading Les Miserables (pronounced jokingly by Brandon as "Less Miserables"). I just started it last night, but I'm not really confident I can make it through. It's incredibly long and has started out reeeeeeealllllyyyy sloooooooooow. I remember watching the movie once a long time ago, and it was good. I'll keep trying.

But I haven't spent all my time reading. We've had visitors.

Nanie and Poppa visited us.

Unfortunately, I didn't get the camera out. However, I do have this cute picture from the last time they were here:

Makin' homemade biscuits with Nanie. I so wish I had the patience to cook with the girls like this. Nanie couldn't believe that I didn't have any "Crisco." I don't even know what that is, really. She used spreadable margarine instead.

Larson visited us.

Most precious baby ever!!! Rhiannon took care of him more than I did. One morning, I got out of my bed and walked into the living room. Rhiannon had gotten Larson up, given him breakfast, changed his diaper, and put his clothes on him.

Audrey visited us.

It was not really warm enough for swimming, but I figured it wouldn't kill them. I told them they could eat their lunch on the trampoline, and the next thing I knew, I heard them doing this:

It might be hard to hear. They were chanting, "We're jumpin' on the table and we're bad, bad girls."

Also, Audrey said the funniest thing EVAR. Lisa, don't tell her I put this on here, okay? I don't want her to be hatin' me.

Bella: I have to pee.

Audrey: Just do it on the ground. Right there (pointing). No, over there.

Bella: Right here?

Audrey: Right there where that water is. Yeah. That's where I did it.

And we have one last visitor who we haven't actually seen yet.

But we've got our eyes open.

SNOOOOOWWWW!!!!

2009-03-01T09:31:00.005-06:00

If you blink, you'll miss Lucky flying through the video.

Mini-snowmen!

Sisters

Uninspired

2009-02-21T12:45:00.011-06:00

I've been feeling pretty blah lately and haven't been inspired to write anything. But we *have* been doing stuff:

Brandon turned 33 years old.

Bella's class had a Fairy Tale Ball.

Conga!

(We heart Mrs. Miller.)

I took an entire afternoon off work to attend Valentines parties. :o)

(We heart Mrs. Thompson.)

Rhiannon entered her school's science fair. This was truly a family effort.

Success!

Oh, yeah!

2009-01-27T21:01:00.007-06:00

Number 3:

We painted the girls' bedroom! Light and dark purple stripes. The curtains don't match now, but we're trying to ignore that. Also, we got those cute bookshelves to try to contain some of their "stuff."

And transferring my photos to the computer just now, I found a few cute ones.

First, Lucky decided he needed a bed and made himself comfortable in this toy box. And that's where he stays 95 percent of the time now. Here he is pretending he doesn't know I'm looking at him.

And because we don't want Wain to feel left out, he also has been cute lately. We had to leave the faucets dripping one day because it was so cold. Wain enjoyed that a lot.

And finally, the amaryllis Momma gave me for Christmas finally bloomed. It's so beautiful!

Extreme close-up:

Updates

2009-01-22T12:47:00.006-06:00

Number 1: Smarty-Pants

The principal at Rhiannon's school called me one morning to say Rhiannon had been chosen to be the Academic All-Star for the newspaper. She said they picked her because she has straight As, and because in their recent school-wide testing, Rhiannon had the highest score in the WHOLE ENTIRE SCHOOL in reading and was in the top 15 in math. Definitely her mother's daughter. Ahem.

Text reads:

Rhiannon Page is a joy, says her teacher Reba Thompson.

Rhiannon is a third-grader at Overstreet Elementary and says she "likes learning new things and going to all of the special classes."

She is in the PEAK program at school and is a straight-A student.

"My favorite subject is P.E. because we get to play games and move a lot," Rhiannon says.

"Rhiannon was selected because she demonstrated fairness, compassion, respect, trustworthiness and integrity," Thompson says.

Rhiannon is also a brave and adventurous girl. Her teacher remembers well the time Rhiannon was perfecting her back flip off the bars on the playground and she fell and broke her shoulder the first week of school. Thompson recalls that Rhiannon didn't complain and didn't even want to miss a moment of class to go to the doctor. Principal Lynn Shea says, "She was back in school the very next day."

Though she is only in the third grade, Rhiannon already has plans to open a doggie day care when she grows up. She is a responsible and loving owner to her dog, Lucky.

"Rhiannon brings humor, joy and a fast-paced thought process that keeps all of us seeking to learn more," Thompson acclaims. "Her fellow students admire her but never feel threatened."

When she attended Sudduth Elementary, Rhiannon earned the Terrific Kid Award, First Class Kid Award and the All-Star Kid Award.

"Rhiannon always tries to do her best!" Thompson says. "She brings a smile and self-discipline to everything she does and always has a good attitude."

Coach Watts says, "Rhiannon is always ready to go and participate."

Rhiannon is the daughter of Brandon and Keryn Page.

-----

Number 2: Still Waiting

We were officially "activated" with American Adoptions, which means that they are now showing our family profile to potential birthmothers. We're waiting for a mother to pick us to be her baby's family. The average waiting time to be matched is 1 to 9 months. I have been told that 24 percent of the families in the minority program (the program we're in) are matched within the first 30 DAYS of being activated. So, we'll see what happens. I am trying to prepare myself to either wait ten more eternities OR drop everything at a moment's notice and become someone else's mother. No stress there.

-----

Number 3: Can't Remember

I'm pretty sure there was a third thing I wanted to write about, but it's escaping me now. There's a Pearl Jam song with the line, "Thoughts arrive like butterflies," and that's how I feel a lot of the time. But my thoughts arrive and leave like butterflies. *sigh*

Expecting

2009-01-13T21:53:00.004-06:00

I remember being pregnant with Rhiannon and Bella, how the first five or six months were the relatively relaxed, calm days. But for those last few months, I was just desperate to go ahead and get it over with. Rhiannon was due December 27, I think, and she wasn't born until January 5. Those 10 or so days were like 10 eternities to me. I just could not wait any longer.

Even with Bella, when I should have at least been expecting the never-ending wait, I can remember being desperately impatient for the big birth day. I was so incredibly disappointed every time I went to a doctor's appointment, and every single time, they told me, "Not yet."

So what I'm trying to say is: I have trouble waiting for my babies to arrive.

I realized today that we officially decided to try to adopt a baby last January. That's an entire year of WAITING. Well, the first several months were pretty busy: In February and March, we started gathering all the information (fingerprints, FBI clearances, infant care classes, physicals, etc., etc.) for our home study. All that took until June, when our home study was finally, finally approved, and we knew we at least had a chance of getting our baby.

And then we waited some more. And then some more.

Finally, we decided we'd be waiting forever unless we went for a bigger (i.e., more expensive!) adoption agency. So in November, we applied with American Adoptions. But that was only the beginning of yet another ordeal, because guess what! We had to gather about five gazillion more documents and jump through about nineteen bazillion more hoops! Yay!

But at long last, I think we're through gathering and jumping for a while. Now for another wait. Only God knows how long this time. Officially, the "average wait time" is 1 to 9 months, but that's waiting to be *matched* with a birthmother/baby. What I'm saying is this: It's possible that we wind up waiting 9 months or more to be matched, and then we still have to wait for the baby to be born. On the other (positive) hand, maybe we'll be matched really quickly. Maybe it'll only be a few more months' wait.

I keep telling God that I trust His timing. That I don't want anything that He hasn't planned (as if that were possible!). But sometimes I feel like I'm lying to myself and Him. Patience is a virtue, and apparently, I'm not that virtuous.

But. But I'm not giving up. Because what I do have is a lot of determination. Okay, stubbornness. Whatever.

What I know is this: Some woman out there is dealing with a major life decision -- if not today, then soon. She will make a decision that I imagine will feel like, well, giving away part of her very self. I hope she will do it because it's what's best for her and her baby. I hope she will be able to find peace in the giving of life. I hope she never has any regret in choosing us to love her baby. Our baby.

Nine

2009-01-04T23:14:00.022-06:00

9. You are so easy to please.

8. You are so incredibly smart.

7. You are one of the cutest kids since the beginning of time.

6. You have the most precious little nose, and I love love love to pinch the cute end of it.

5. You love babies.

4. You are so sensitive to other people's feelings.

3. You love to read.

2. You have those precious moles: one just under your right eyebrow, one on your cheek, one on the end of your little nose, one behind your ear, and one on your back that I always feel when I'm scratching your back.

1. You still think being just like me is great.

Rhiannon,

Nine years ago, I was about to become your mother. I was only a child myself -- 20 years old! -- but I knew it was perfect timing. I felt like I had waited for you my whole life. And you haven't disappointed me the first time. I'm so happy to be your mother. I love you. Happy birthday.

Love,
Momma

Happy New Year!

2009-01-01T22:14:00.004-06:00

We stayed up late watching the Rockin' New Year's Eve show (and the new episode of Wizards of Waverly Place). Bella tried to hang on, but she finally gave up and went to bed. (She did, however, make it through Wizards of Waverly Place because she's got priorities.) Here they are, drooping but having fun:

Me and Rhiannon made it, though. Here's us right at midnight:

Hope everybody has the best 2009 possible. I'll be mourning my eldest's NINTH birthday in a few days. :o(

Daughter

2008-12-19T23:03:00.002-06:00

Oh, I worry
I'm afraid

When will you realize
I'm not really
the best
I'm just a person

Will it be hard
to take me down
from the pedestal
of mother to young child

When will it happen
Will I expect it
When you discover
you know more than me

When will you think
you'd be better off
without me
Always in your way

How much longer do I have
before you understand
I'm not perfect
Not nearly what you think I am

I'm afraid
of what I deserve
My own poor mother,
myself at 15

Will I be her
And you, me
A mistake relived,
meant to be

I see every terrible
part of me
in you
You are so like me

Can I change it,
make things right
Somehow reverse
what's meant to be

I love you
Truly
Can you feel it
Do you know

My only hope lies
in my love for you
In my desire
for your happiness

Can't you feel
how I'm trying,
how I truly want
your best

My life is nothing
without your love
Without your love
my life is empty

Tortured

2008-12-19T22:55:00.002-06:00

I listen to you
as I have for years
at night when you sleep,
the sounds you make

I grieve for your pain
unable to understand
confused
and alone

The frustration
of misunderstanding,
of why happiness can't find you
Reminds me of her

It feels so wrong
for perfect happiness
to keep company
with such inexplicable misery

I wonder why
my own sadness
pales in comparison
to yours

I suppose it's because
I know I will survive
that I'll be fine
as I've always been

But you --
you're not well
and I can't know
the depths of your soul

Are you there?
Will this pass?
Love should be enough
But is it, this time?

Spiral

2008-12-09T19:07:00.002-06:00

I found this in my purse today. I wrote it several months ago, but it is a pretty good description of how I'm feeling today: hopeless and helpless.

-----

Spiral

As if I'm the first
to compare life
to a downward spiral
How clever

But when it's your life
those words are best
to describe
the pain, sometimes

Besides, like I have
the energy
or desire
to come up with something original

It's funny how life
can be so hard
some days
Others, it's fine, even good

Not funny "ha-ha"
but funny "ouch"
Smiling is too hard
don't even want to try

I know I'm not the first
my problems aren't worse
than any others
Not even close, really

But it still hurts
and life is still hard
and I'm not pretending anymore
At least not today

-----

P.S. Have no fear: I'm sure tomorrow will be better (and normal!).

Company

2008-12-07T11:54:00.003-06:00

Every single day since I got my new camera, Rhiannon has asked me, "Have you learned how to use the video thing yet?" Today, I finally decided to try, and it's as easy as can be. Behold:

Turkey Nuts

2008-11-28T10:14:00.003-06:00

Rhi: What were those things they were eating yesterday on that show? Turkey.....?

Me: Testicles.

Rhi: I would call those "turkey nuts."

Rhi to Bella: Bella, people on TV yesterday were eating turkey testicles. [She was gesturing, I'm sure, though I wasn't watching.]

Bella: [shocked and incredulous] Too-toos?!?

Merry Christmas To Me

2008-11-24T21:46:00.002-06:00

The first day of my weeklong Thanksgiving holiday:

I woke up at about 9 a.m.

Stressed myself over adoption profile pictures.

Ate lunch.

Took a nap.

Woke up.

Brandon had brought my Christmas present home.

A new camera! Just what I asked for! Yay!

But I can't figure it out. I mean, it looks like the pictures are really great. But when I try to order prints, I get a warning that the resolution is not high enough for quality prints. And I can't figure out how to change the resolution. I read the instruction book and everything. But check this out:

Cuss

2008-11-21T07:43:00.002-06:00

Lucky: [outside the door] Whine, whine. Bark, bark.

Bella: Lucky is so annoying.

Me: That dog is the bane of my existence.

Rhiannon: Momma. Don't cuss.

Me: That wasn't cussing.

Rhiannon: I know. I'm just warning you.

Me: [amused smirk]

Rhiannon: Do you even know any cuss words, Momma?

Me: Yes, Rhiannon.

Rhiannon: Mommaaaaaa.

Words of Wisdom

2008-11-17T07:41:00.002-06:00

Spoken from the heart of my precious firstborn, Rhiannon Rings Page, almost 9 years old, over a bowl of Froot Loops this morning:

"People might make fun of me if I have a black little brother. And when he goes to school, people might make fun of him because he has a white family. But it will be okay because I'll still love him because he's my brother."

Baby

2008-11-11T23:04:00.002-06:00

You may not yet even exist
But I feel you growing,
Developing
In my heart

I see your chocolate eyes
Your beautiful, brown skin
Contrasting, complementing
My own

Or maybe your eyes will match mine
Your skin will be fair
How would I know?
All I know is I love you

But I feel you growing
Becoming more my own
As each days passes
Slowly

Who is your mother?
What is she feeling?
I can't imagine
The pain, sorrow

But I know I need you
As I need air to live
You are my child
Even before you are real

I wonder at how easy
Life has become
And how quickly
I will give it all up

Sleepless nights,
Endless days
Seem like nothing,
A dream, so far away

I just know
That I feel you
You are my child
My son

I will love you
When she can't
Care for you
Because I can

I have lived long enough
To know
That you're what I'm missing
That you belong to me

My child
Sweet baby
Beloved son
Asher Truth

Boo!

2008-11-04T11:15:00.002-06:00

Rhiannon thought it looked like the pumpkin was smoking a pipe. We actually ran out of time and didn't get the pumpkin carved. But the girls drew him a face.

Bella was a ballerina, and Rhiannon was Batgirl (or something). We had fun trick or treating around our neighborhood. They got WAY too much candy.

Six

2008-10-24T21:42:00.009-05:00

A bundle of joy
Sunshine personified
You are a happy,
Lovely girl

You are so particular
And yet so easy
So sweet
So loving

But you are not afraid
To point out injustice
To be indignant when I'm mean
Tell me how it is

You haven't even considered
What gift you might want
You're just happy to be here
To celebrate

Your sparkly eyes
Precious face
Glow with excitement
For life

Your laughter fills me
With unspeakable joy
Your arms around me
Make living worthwhile

You are my baby
Daddy's Big Bad Bull
Rhiannon's playmate and friend
(And some-time worst enemy.)

I have no doubt
That your life will be full
Of love and laughter
Joy and peace

I know you will be
Are becoming
A woman I'm lucky to know
And love

You are a miracle
Your beauty radiates
Inside and out
My Bella, I love you

Happy birthday, my sweet Bella. Maybe you could just pretend to be 5 for another year? Please?

Love,
Momma

Therapy

2008-10-20T21:02:00.005-05:00

I spent Saturday painting and sanding and painting some more. Now, our bedroom makes me smile. Even though there is no window.

Rah-rah-rah

2008-10-17T09:38:00.006-05:00

Brian sent me some pictures of Caine playing football and Carlee cheering. Apparently he didn't like having his picture on here. Huh. So at least you're not right at the top anymore, right, Brian?

Caine.

Go, Carlee!

In-laws

2008-10-14T21:31:00.004-05:00

We visited Brandon's family this weekend. It had been like MONTHS since we'd been there, and I wonder why. I know I had a lot of fun. I mean, how can you beat Brian serenading Brandon to sleep??? Seriously. And then, I got in the bed, and he serenaded both of us.

I guess you could say things went downhill when Brandon woke up Saturday morning complaining about his throat and HIS WHOLE BODY hurting. But, optimist that I am (ha!), I didn't worry. Long story short, we discovered something was probably wrong with Brandon when we were sitting at a football game in Phil Campbell, Alabama (watching Carlee cheer and Caine play football). He was acting awfully puny, so I touched my hand to his forehead and discovered it was piping hot. He wound up spending most of the game in the truck waiting on me to take him home. I was having fun, but then he called and said he was ready to go home.

I let the girls stay with Brian and Misti for the rest of the game. I wish I had had my camera there so I could show cute pictures of Carlee doing a high kick and Caine tackling people (or whatever). But I didn't. It was cute, though. Trust me.

However, I did get a cute pic of the birthday girl as a Princess Ballerina (she couldn't decide if she wanted to be a princess or a ballerina for Halloween. My solution? Princess Ballerina.):

I know that there's a direct correlation between my children getting older and my increasing love of little kids. Back when mine were little, I was all, "Get your stinking babies away from me!" But now? Bring on the babies! Actually, Chloee turned 4 last week, so technically she's not a baby. But can I just say? She's one of the very most sweet, charming little kids I have EVER come across. She has personality out the wazoo. How did that happen?!? Haha. Just kidding, Brian!

We had so much fun, y'all!

Also, we (or I, because Brandon was still sick in bed) got to see Sherry (a.k.a. "Nana") and Caine get baptized in a freezing-cold swimming pool. It was beautiful and funny at the same time. And I attended a Church of God (I think) Sunday morning. It was a little intimidating at first, but I wound up really enjoying it and I even cried a few times with all the emotion! Those people really know how to worship. It was refreshing.

And NANA'S GETTING MARRIED!!! Woo-hoo!

I love y'all!

Three Days, Two Teeth

2008-10-09T20:40:00.004-05:00

The bigger one on the right came out on Tuesday. It had been dangling there in her mouth for weeks, no kidding. I had tried to pull it out two or three times on different days, but it just wouldn't come out! I mean, I could have gotten it out, but I didn't want to hurt her. It would have taken some serious yanking to get it out. Then, Tuesday morning, Brandon took her to school and I took Bella, then I came home to finish getting ready for work. Mrs. Thompson called me and said, "We got it out!" Apparently she's a really effective tooth-puller. Rhiannon looks so funny without both of her top two front teeth. Like a little old man or something!

Anyway, I think it was that same day that she mentioned her other loose tooth. But she didn't want to pull it right then because she wouldn't be able to eat. I didn't realize how loose it was until she got out of the bed just now to come ask me to pull it for her. It was barely hanging on. I got a paper towel and barely pulled it, and it came out! This one was on the bottom. I told her we're going to have to feed her soup with a straw now.

Just look at how cute she is!

Lucky (not the dog)

2008-10-07T23:04:00.003-05:00

I know it's not luck
But how else can it be?
A boy turned into a man
Who does nothing but love me

Years of turmoil
Come down to this
We just had to be strong
Outlast the doubt

Everyday I can't hide from
The pain all around
People hurting each other,
They hurt each other

But you, true love
You want only what's best
For me, for us
Don't worry about the rest

How impossible
Still to love
After so much time
So much pain

And yet, how couldn't I?
I would no longer be
I breathe for you
You give me my breath

Why I Keep Him Around

2008-10-06T16:43:00.002-05:00

Rhiannon was Student of the Week a while back, and each day, something special was planned for her. One day, the kids in her class made a little book telling why they like her. They put her baby pictures on the bulletin board outside the door. One day, I was supposed to come eat lunch with her. That's the day I got there and she had broken her arm. But anyway. I've already told that story.

But one of the days, Mrs. Thompson asked us to write something to or about Rhiannon. I tried writing a story about her, but I wasn't really getting anywhere. So I said, "Brandon, do you think you could write a poem about Rhiannon?" About 10 minutes later, he handed me this:

And She Came

A dream of a child

A dream of a family
Long days waiting

Longer months agonizing
And she came

Days of crying
Milk that would not agree

This is so hard
Will we adjust?

And she came

Bumbling little toddler
Eyes that would gleam
She taught us love

And the change, joy
And she came

Schoolgirl you are
Smarter than me

Pretty as a flower
Who knew this would be?

And she came

Baby Fix

2008-09-28T22:21:00.000-05:00

I got me a baby fix this weekend.

I got to remember how unbelievable it is to have a baby fall asleep right next to you. How it feels to rock a baby to sleep. What it's like to see your baby hold a baby. To have a baby lay his sweet head on your chest and just be there. Precious.

Thank you, Shelley. And Larson.

Nostalgia, Longing

2008-09-25T21:00:00.000-05:00

Purchased some overpriced coffee at Starbuck's this morning, and there was the cutest baby there. Her name was Elizabeth, and she was a chubby little thing. I talked to her and touched her sweet baby chubbiness, and she just smiled at me and cooed and kicked her chubby little legs and waved her chubby little arms all around. She reminded me a lot of this baby I remember.....

She made me think of this little baby, too:

*Sigh* and *swoon*.

I want a baby. I want a precious little bundle of chubbiness to squeeze and love and take care of. It's been long enough for me to forget all the terrible things about having babies around. All I can remember is the heart-melting "goos" and the soul-crushing, toothless, adoring smiles.

I want Rhiannon and Bella to know what it's like to take care of a baby. To have someone depend on you completely. To love you so very much.

I want Brandon to have a little son. A little boy to play with and teach stuff to. A little boy to be proud of. A little boy to hang out with when the girls are doing girl stuff.

Oh, but it's mostly just for me. I can almost feel that precious baby in my arms, feel his weight on my chest. I want to mother a baby again. Just one more time.

Are you there, God? It's me, Keryn. I want a baby. Please.

Why I Need To Work on My "No"s

2008-09-23T22:18:00.000-05:00

Girl Scouts. Brownie 3s. Leader. Yikes.

"Can you be the Brownie 3s leader?"

"Um, okay. I guess."

So. Being a Girl Scout leader is not a simple thing. There are "Try-Its" to keep up with and activities to plan and badges to order and "What are we going to eat for supper, people?!?" to think about.

But I'm the Girl Scout Brownie 3 leader. Five 8-year-olds are looking at me on every-other-Tuesday-night: "What are we going to do this week?" "Uhhh... Well, we could make a recipe book! Yay!"

I keep thinking, "Why didn't I just say no?!?" Just say no, people!

I have a vague memory -- only because Momma and Daddy have a newspaper clipping with the photographic evidence -- of being a Brownie. I mean, there are no actual memories. I just know that, apparently, I was a Brownie at one point. And I had a mean perm in my hair. So that qualifies me to lead Rhiannon's Brownie 3 group. Parents out there should be concerned. Seriously.

I think, so far, the Girl Scouts Experience has taught me this: I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HAVE FUN.

Why can't it just be for fun? Why does it have to be about badges and uniforms and meetings and blah blah blah? I just want to be at home, really. But this is FUN! Right. Fun. Uh-huh. Fun.

Tonight, I was "explaining" through clenched teeth to Bella why Rhiannon might feel the need to pinch her arm really hard.... and some mother, some angel gave me a smile, gave me an "I know." Mothers are the best, am I right? Whoever you were, Unknown Mother, thank you. From the very bottom of my heart, thank you!

Chicken Start

2008-09-11T16:09:00.000-05:00

Bella: I gotta chicken start!

Me: What?

Bella: I gotta chicken start!

Me: A what?

Bella: I gotta chicken start--I mean a sticker chart!

For Lauren

2008-08-29T10:01:00.001-05:00

When we were kids
We had to share a bed
I was four years older
But we were the same size

I would wake in the middle of the night
With your heavy, hairy legs all over me
And turn sideways in the bed
Arms on the wall, feet on your body
To shove you back over to your side

When you were about 5 years old
You would torture our cats
By holding them by their ears
But you loved them

When you were in preschool
You didn't want to go
And you'd wake up crying in the night
And Shelley would come to you
Comfort you, tell you it's all right

When you were in second grade
You showed Daddy my hidden cigarettes
And I was so mad at you
But you were right to tell

When you were in college
You borrowed our lawn mower
And called me in a huff
"Why won't this thing crank?"
"Are you holding down the bar while you crank it?"
"No."
Ha

And you parked in the spot
Marked "Ag Communications Only"
And didn't understand
Why that made me mad

And you went the wrong way
Down a one-way parking lot
And told me I thought I had to do everything right
And you were right, but so was I

And you would pull up honking
And the girls were thrilled
You'd play on the floor with them
That's what they remember most

We tried to be runners
But I couldn't keep up
And you'd call and say you couldn't make it
I run almost every day now

You were the most fun person ever
But also the most frustrating
"I'll call you tomorrow"
A week later, you were sorry but something came up

You left us behind
And I let you go
I have never been so hurt, crushed
I remember you every day

My heart cries
For what could have been
Should have been
Might have been

I loved you
I love you
I miss you
My heart

Because I don't want her to have the Youngest Child Complex

2008-08-29T09:17:00.001-05:00

Isn't she just the most precious thing EVER? I know! And smart. She started kindergarten, and they bring home these little books that they basically memorize and then "read." It's a confidence-boosting strategy mostly because they can't actually read yet. But we've been "reading" the same book for more than a week, so I decided to let her try something else. Got out Dr. Seuss' "Go, Dog. Go!" The girl can read, y'all! I mean, she definitely got her common sense from Brandon, and that helps her a lot, but it was so weird listening to her really read something. She looks at the pictures, thinks about what might rhyme with what she's just read, and sometimes guesses wrong, but mostly she can get it. And she also can sound out words, but that frustrates her, so I try not to push too hard.

I love you, Bella!

Love

2008-08-28T11:39:00.000-05:00

So whenever I experience anything bad -- someone being unkind, life not working out the way I think it should, etc. -- I tend to, first, be outraged that things and people are the way they are. But then -- I really don't know why -- I suddenly have the horrific realization that I SUCK, TOO. I mean, we're people, right? We do things that suck. All the time.

Anyway. So last night I was outraged about something, then all of a sudden, I said to Brandon, "Oh, no. I'm a hateful b!tch, too, aren't I?" And this man, this boy, this human being I have loved for so long, gave the perfect answer. Apparently, according to Brandon, my hateful b!tchiness is perfectly balanced out by my compassionate, peaceful side. *swoon* He's mine -- find yer own.

Honestly, I can't tell if he really likes me that much or if he's just a very good liar. But it will make me feel better to believe he just loves me a WHOLE LOT, so I'll go with that option.

***

Oh, hi! Princess of Darkness here to cast a wet blanket over all the warm fuzziness. My friend is at this very moment hopefully, finally getting divorced from the lunatic she mistakenly married and had a child with. So the PoD's question of the day: Why does life treat some people so wonderfully, but then totally bite for others?

P.S. That was a rhetorical question.

Fractured

2008-08-22T20:34:00.000-05:00

Another first for Rhiannon: she fractured the bone at the top of her left arm (between her shoulder and her elbow). Flipping on the "flipping thing" on the playground at school. She's very proud that she's now had stitches, staples, and a broken bone before the age of 9. Her father also is very proud.

Since she didn't get an actual cast (which she was pretty bummed about), we signed her sling thing. See, I wrote "Momma hearts you." So Brandon wrote "Daddy squares you." He is so weird. Bella wrote "I love Rhiannon." Her friends signed it, too.

She was Student of the Week, so I was planning to eat lunch with her anyway. I got there, and her teacher said, "Oh, I'm so glad you're here!" I was like, wow, that's nice. Then she started telling me that Rhiannon had just fallen on the playground... Rhiannon was all sweaty and dirty, crying a little, and holding her arm up close to her body. I thought surely she was okay. We went ahead and ate lunch, but she kept on crying and saying it hurt. Decided I should take her to the doctor just in case. The doctor sent us to the hospital for X-rays. We sat for an HOUR at the hospital just waiting, and Rhiannon chattered in my ear the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME. I was sitting there trying to read a magazine, and she was just going 90 miles an hour right in my ear.

So anyway, finally they told us it was fractured. We had to go back to the pediatrician's office, then to the orthopedic clinic. They wrapped her up and sent us on our way. She hasn't been in much pain at all. She's upset that she can't play her Nintendo very well with only one hand.

Sigh.

Love.

So. Ahem.

2008-08-15T08:50:00.000-05:00

So. I didn't realize anybody would ever actually read my "blog." So. Now that two people have found it, I feel like I have to write. Maybe that's a good thing.

Well, apparently I was a leeeettle hard on myself back in FEBRUARY when I wrote my first post. I do that sometimes. Sorry. I don't really hate myself! In fact, I'm happier now than I have been in ages.

I guess I'll start with my first bulleted item. Because I'm into order, people. And because those little girls are easy to write about.

Rhiannon started third grade this year. She's at a new school. She is the most difficult person I have ever known! But she's just like me! And I love her SO MUCH. One of my favorite writers talked once about how the things your child has in common with you often are the things that drive you the most crazy. Because you don't want them to be like you in this way. But that girl is so precious to me, too. She will read and read and read, and sigh and say, "This book is so good." And I really know what she means. She's also an incredibly smart person. There's no telling what she'll do in her life.

Now, Bella is just a little ray of sunshine. Her personality is most assuredly like Brandon's. Bella started kindergarten this year. I was struck by how young she seems. I don't remember Rhiannon being such a baby when she started school! The first few days when I picked Bella up in the carpool line after school, I was just overcome with emotion when I would see her out there in the sea of children, so small and unsure of what to do. But once she's in the car with us, she shakes it off and is perfectly happy. Me and Rhiannon would be cranky for hours after such an ordeal!

So maybe there will be a third child to talk about someday. Sometimes I feel sure there will be, and others I really don't believe it will ever happen. It's weird. I've always felt like I was not exactly as "Christian" as I should be. I mean, I try, but nothing ever really happens. I try to understand that my experience doesn't have to be like everybody else's for it to be real, you know? Anyway, that was just a disclaimer for what I'm about to write: I believe God will give us a baby if He has one for us. I honestly, truly believe that. And most of the time I'm content with it. Other times, not so much. Then, I think about how not everybody who adopts a baby believes in God, so how did they get their baby? My problem, I'm pretty sure, is that I'm too much of a realist. If I think too much about things, which I always do, I have a hard time believing anything.

Um, one of Shelley's nicknames for me is "Princess of Darkness." Somehow it fits, doesn't it? :o)

We're going to keep all of Shelley's chil'ren tonight. So she and Shea can have a break. I may have to be committed afterward, but hey! Ha. Just kidding. It will be fun. I CAN'T WAIT to get my baby Larson! He's the most precious baby EVER, I'm pretty sure.

All righty then. Maybe I'll write again in another six months or so. Thanks for reading, y'all!

xo

Like anybody cares or will ever read this. But.

2008-02-14T09:26:00.000-06:00

I always thought I should keep a journal, but I'm apparently not good at it. So this could be the only time I do this. Oh well.

I mean, where do you even start?

The history of KP.... it's not that exciting, trust me.

Today is B's birthday. He's 32, but he thought he was going to turn 31, so he keeps saying he's 31. He's funny like that. And it's Valentine's Day, which I hate. Actually, I don't hate the day, but I do hate the commercials and the expectations. Love the chocolates my mother-in-law sent.

Maybe I'll make a list of the things I should tell about myself and just start from there. Here's my list of things I should write about myself, in random order:

I have two precious daughters. I'm not a very good mother.
I want to adopt a baby boy. He will probably be biracial, which will cause problems but I'm totally excited anyway.
About my family/childhood.
I have a husband who loves me more than I deserve.
My little sister committed suicide.
My big sister is my greatest friend.
I'm misanthropic (a nice word for antisocial).
I'm impatient, moody, and often mean.
I dislike politicians. I wanted to vote for John Edwards.

That's all I can think of for now. Will I ever get around to writing about these things? Is it too late to start trying to write stuff down? Does anybody care? Do I care if anybody cares? Am I embarrassed to be jumping on the blogging bandwagon?

KP